Please, son. Do you think I popped my rant cherry last week? This isn't my first rodeo. Long before Peter Griffin had his "grind my gears" segment, I was listing the things that rankled my cockles and rattled my cage, such as putting a wet bathing suit back on after you take a shit or waking up hungover and drinking that glass of water next to your bed only to realize it's vodka. I made a website listing such complaints (which I will find and post). And then I found $10. Good story.
But to fully woo a rant this classy, it has to be handled delicately. Which is to say you take the bull by the horns. The way I see it, this rant breaks down into a few key areas:
- The Sub-Prime Mortgage / Retard Crisis: Okay, I'm fairly sure that the phrase "sub-prime" doesn't make any sense, except possibly in reference to a sandwich that everyone can agree on. My vote would be Turkey. Anywho, I think that we could come up with a much better name, such as "I dicked over everyone else" mortgage, or "I'll pay for it later" mortgage. I appreciate our government saying that banks wrote mortgages they never should whilst glossing over the fact that the people who got them are retarded. But come on. They're retarded. Check the facts. If you think you can afford a $500K house making $35K a year, you're pretty much retarded. Whoa, wait, I'm going to have to pay, like, 5 times the amount I'm paying now in a couple of years for my mortgage? It's all good, I'm totally going to get that sweet promotion at Dunks. Plus my business plan to be gynecologist who works only on hot college chicks should be in full swing by then. And you laugh (or maybe you don't), but there had to be MILLIONS of people who thought this way for it to become an issue. Face it. They're retarded.
- Skyrocketing Unemployment: This one is the real kick in the dick. And not like friendly "ouch that kinda hurt but the kick was slow so I'm not going have that rush of nausea" dick pain. I'm talking "A baseball just hit me in the crotch, it's approx. 36 degrees outside, and I'm afraid to look down there lest things be where they shouldn't" pain. Because now that there are a gajillion applicants for every job, interviewers can ask whatever the fuck they please. Alex had someone ask him what he'd do as king for the day. That was the first question. Right out of the gate. King of what? What the fuck kinda stupid question is that? I might have left the interview on that note. But then I would remember that there are 50 people lined up outside who will say they would give the power back to the people or some dumb shit like that. And it ain't much easier for the people who do have jobs, because now your boss can tell you to work 55 hours a week with no bathroom breaks and take a 25% cut in pay, and you can't say shit.
- Fat Cats on Wall Street: When did America become such pussies that we can't punish these people? Because you know there's a guy somewhere out there that completely made bank on the fact that he sells turkey-sandwich mortgages to retards and then asks interviewees what they would do as Pope for an hour. You know he carries an $800 suitcase that's probably filled with Ritz crackers like Cramer has when he works corporate. He's the guy that tries to give you a high five after leaving the bathroom and you know for a fact he had a really dirty number 2 and didn't wash his hands. And when the jig is up and his reign at Bank of Douchebaggery comes to an end, they give him a nice severance package for his trouble, and he looks to the sky and says "Why me, God? Why me?". What a jackass.
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