RANT: Sometimes My Alma Mater Sucks Ass

Oh, you haven't heard? Try this on for size: http://bostonherald.com/news/regional/view.bg?&articleid=1200750&format=&page=1&listingType=Loc#articleFull

Or possibly this: http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/09/30/tufts.sex.roommate/index.html

First and foremost, I understand the golden rule of not bashing the collegiate at which you are an alumnus. I get it. It's in that category of flirting with nuns. You just don't do it (that's God's wife... get your own). But for this offense, the forbidden fruit must be tasted (to quote Mugatu).

A proclamation down from the Glorious Mountain that is Tufts University Residential Life: "You may not engage in sexual activity while your roommate is present in the room. And sexual activity within your assigned room should not ever deprive your roommate(s) of privacy, study, or sleep time."

Wow. Tufts just dropped to the bottom of the list for EVERY high school senior. They're sitting there thinking "man, I could apply to Tufts, or I could go get laid at another school". What the fuck do you think Jimmy is going to go with? I'll give you a hint: no 18-year-old in the history of human civilization has ever turned down poontang. Not once. Ever.

Many of you have been in a Tufts dormroom. Look at this picture off of CNN:



Look at this shit. It's like Auschwitz. Seriously, did some freaky-ass experiment go down in here? The answer is no. You know why? Because freaky-ass experiments in dorm rooms are apparently outlawed on the Hill. In short, compared to your current living standards, your roommate's sexual activity is more like adding insult to injury.

Secondly, this rule is so one-dimensional. It does not take into account orgies in which both roommates take part. Or S&M where the roommate wants to be "deprived of privacy, study or sleep time". Maybe your roommate will learn a thing or two. And that's networking. That's people helping people. Come on Res Life, get on the ball.

This is what you get when you group a bunch of whining rich kids with normal people. Instead of facing a life problem head-on and talking with their roommate, they take the retardedly long-way around that involves the least amount of confrontation and the most amount of paperwork. Guess what? Daddy isn't always going to be there to make it alright. Sometimes you gotta wipe the sand out of your own vagina and deal.

And how do you plan on enforcing this thing? I can see it now: "Um, dude, not to be a douche, but by violating that drunk chick whilst I'm here, you are also are violating clause 87.23.09 of the Pachyderm". It is the ultimate cock-block. All this is going to do is force sex out into public areas. Missionary on the quad. Doggy on the cannon. A hot Karl on Jumbo. The list goes on.

This is what you get from the group who fucked me EVERY YEAR with the room lottery.

This is why you don't try to have kids

Bryce Crapser One-Ups All My Friends and Family

Now this is fucking dedication. Crapstar knows if you're going in, you don't wade in the shallow end, you pull a triple sow-cow layout off the diving board.

Who is Josh Walker?

Josh = Poseidon, God of the Sea

I had to recreate a sweet trident for work. This is me, today, calling out a mortal on the battlefield.

RANT: The Economy

I know what some of you may be thinking: that I'm going a little big for my britches on this one. It's one thing to rant about NASA building fake clouds or mental patients at county fairs. It's another to take on the US economy. And furthermore, this blog started last week, and frankly this might be premature, like that kid on Glee who has to think about a horrific car crash every time he gets intimate.

Please, son. Do you think I popped my rant cherry last week? This isn't my first rodeo. Long before Peter Griffin had his "grind my gears" segment, I was listing the things that rankled my cockles and rattled my cage, such as putting a wet bathing suit back on after you take a shit or waking up hungover and drinking that glass of water next to your bed only to realize it's vodka. I made a website listing such complaints (which I will find and post). And then I found $10. Good story.

But to fully woo a rant this classy, it has to be handled delicately. Which is to say you take the bull by the horns. The way I see it, this rant breaks down into a few key areas:

• The Sub-Prime Mortgage / Retard Crisis: Okay, I'm fairly sure that the phrase "sub-prime" doesn't make any sense, except possibly in reference to a sandwich that everyone can agree on. My vote would be Turkey. Anywho, I think that we could come up with a much better name, such as "I dicked over everyone else" mortgage, or "I'll pay for it later" mortgage. I appreciate our government saying that banks wrote mortgages they never should whilst glossing over the fact that the people who got them are retarded. But come on. They're retarded. Check the facts. If you think you can afford a $500K house making $35K a year, you're pretty much retarded. Whoa, wait, I'm going to have to pay, like, 5 times the amount I'm paying now in a couple of years for my mortgage? It's all good, I'm totally going to get that sweet promotion at Dunks. Plus my business plan to be gynecologist who works only on hot college chicks should be in full swing by then. And you laugh (or maybe you don't), but there had to be MILLIONS of people who thought this way for it to become an issue. Face it. They're retarded.
• Skyrocketing Unemployment: This one is the real kick in the dick. And not like friendly "ouch that kinda hurt but the kick was slow so I'm not going have that rush of nausea" dick pain. I'm talking "A baseball just hit me in the crotch, it's approx. 36 degrees outside, and I'm afraid to look down there lest things be where they shouldn't" pain. Because now that there are a gajillion applicants for every job, interviewers can ask whatever the fuck they please. Alex had someone ask him what he'd do as king for the day. That was the first question. Right out of the gate. King of what? What the fuck kinda stupid question is that? I might have left the interview on that note. But then I would remember that there are 50 people lined up outside who will say they would give the power back to the people or some dumb shit like that. And it ain't much easier for the people who do have jobs, because now your boss can tell you to work 55 hours a week with no bathroom breaks and take a 25% cut in pay, and you can't say shit.
  
• Fat Cats on Wall Street: When did America become such pussies that we can't punish these people? Because you know there's a guy somewhere out there that completely made bank on the fact that he sells turkey-sandwich mortgages to retards and then asks interviewees what they would do as Pope for an hour. You know he carries an $800 suitcase that's probably filled with Ritz crackers like Cramer has when he works corporate. He's the guy that tries to give you a high five after leaving the bathroom and you know for a fact he had a really dirty number 2 and didn't wash his hands. And when the jig is up and his reign at Bank of Douchebaggery comes to an end, they give him a nice severance package for his trouble, and he looks to the sky and says "Why me, God? Why me?". What a jackass.
  

Best Plan Ever: Don't Catch Criminals

Probably the Greatest Soccer Goal Ever

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/3084/amazing_streaker_scores/

Definitely contains nudity. I know, soccer = nudity? Makes no sense. Don't worry, she's hot.

The game doesn't stop. At all. In fact, someone passes her the ball. And the goalie tries to make the save. But you can't stop the fucking one-timer to the lower 90. And this chick's got a hell of a cannon. And a rack. Don't forget the rack.

The Smartest Man Alive

Protesting = Comedic Gold!

I find protesters to be pretty humorous, largely because I'm fairly sure none of them have any idea what they are protesting. Once and a while, though, I think "hey, maybe they are just intelligent passionate individuals". Then I read these signs, and think that most of them just smoked some crack (kinda like the writers of Spiderman 3 when Peter Parker turns mean... it's the stupidest montage I've ever seen). See below:

AH! Asian Youths! I knew they were planning something! All that math they're so good at, it's actually to try and kill off my source of $10 in every Christmas card, thereby crippling the US economy and the prune juice industry. If you think you're getting Grandma Barb Walker, I will rain down the heat.

Oh, wait, you meant "Euthanasia", not "Youth in Asia"? Fuck it, I still don't trust them. BTW, who cut these people's hair?



I agree with this protester, 100%. How dare you think you're going to get an option on your pubes?! This is America! This is the land of Apple Pie, Baseball, and shaved crotches. I'm fairly certain pubes are discussed in the constitution. Either way, you know who's going to make the difference in this rally? The chick on the lower right, who looks like she's trying to get a slow clap going...


Dude, nothing like a slightly overweight gay man in a pink shirt altering this one with a big goofy smile on his face. I'm still trying to figure out what the sign originally said. Homo sex is .... sexy?

I heart Jon Stewart

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/thu-august-20-2009/betsy-mccaughey-pt--1

Watch Jon Stewart own Betsy McCaughey, the one who coined the phrase "Death Panels" in the new health care reform bill.

Oh right, before trying to kill this bill, Betsy killed the Clinton health care reform, which would have funded the reform by increasing taxes on the tobacco industry. Turns out she was working secretly with Philip Morris, the largest tobacco company in the US. Her expose was later recanted and apologized for because of the LIES. She's the kind of chick you just want to shove into oncoming traffic.

Is it me, or does this woman remind you of Professor Umbridge from the Harry Potter movies?

RANT: Mental Patient: 1 State of Washington: 0

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/09/20/washington.escaped.killer/index.html

Washington has been really lax on its mental patient holding process. Does anyone remember when that crazy Vietnam veteran escaped in Hope, Washington in 1982 and killed all those police officers in the woods?

Wait, nevermind. That was Rambo. I'm pretty sure he was fictional. Like 84% sure.

Anywho, this mental patient / convicted killer Philip Paul escaped for the 2nd time this weekend while attending a country fair. In case you're wondering, here are a few "red flags" you want to be aware of:

1. Don't trust a mental patient who has two first names, i.e. Philip Paul. There's your first mistake right there. I mean, he could change his name to Paul Philip, shave his face like Harrison Ford in the Fugitive, and you would be shit out of luck in finding this guy.
2. If the guy has already previously escaped once, he's probably going to try again. Especially when he packs all of his belongings into a backpack. He might as well walk up to the sheriff and let him know he'd be checking out the next day, and would like to reconcile his room service bill.
   

Can someone explain to me why were letting a fucking convicted mental patient go on a field trip to a fair? I'm not a convicted mental patient, and I haven't been to a country fair since 1999. Bring me. Secondly, um, he's insane. Throw him in a room with crazy shit on the walls like Shenanigans from Super Troopers and then tell him he went to a fair. This bitch isn't going to know the difference.

And why a fair? This guy killed a woman who he thought was a witch back in the day, and fairs are full of gypsies. They're like second cousins or something. What the hell do you think is going to happen, that you'd buy him some fried dough and let him ride the tea cups and then go home at the end of the day? This crazy bastard was probably roaming the fair looking for Wilbur from Charlotte's Web so he could gut him as a sacrifice.

Side note: do you remember Templeton the rat from that book? What a dick that guy was.

I am glad I don't work in Washington and have to look at my paystub every other week and see the "mental patient country fair trip tax" line item. If you're going to pay for this kind of shit with my taxes, you better tell me when the crazies are going to be there, and provide me with lots of free alcohol, so I can get super ripped and fuck around with them at the fair (p.s. that would be a reality TV show I would watch).

State of Washington, I award you no points, and may God have mercy in your soul.

Wedding Weekend

Yeah, I know, it's been a long time. I shouldn't have left you without a dope beat to step to. (Aliyah? Anyone?) Here are some highlights from the weekend:

Kristen & Greg's Wedding:

1. I tackled Greg into the pool at the rehearsal dinner. He didn't go easy, but had it coming.
   
2. One of the ceremony readings was Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go".
   
3. Bride and Groom kissed at the end of the ceremony. He then hiked her a football and she led him on a tight spiral down the aisle. Catch made = marriage is going to last.
4. Instead of placecards, you got a snap-it bracelet with your name and table number on it.
   
5. At the reception, girls entered to "Girls" by the Beastie Boys. Guys entered to the "A-Team" theme song. Finally, G&K entered to the theme song of the Celts and Bruins, Carmina Burana O Fortuna, which is probably the most epic classical music (rivaled only by the theme song of the Last of the Mohegans).
6. Some things I yelled out at the wedding: "What about leap years?!" "The Moon!" "Greg you're hot!" "Nobody sits Baby in the corner"
   

On the down side, I went to the ER on Saturday morning with a uvula the size of a T-bone. Was fairly sure that it was the Swine Flu, but the doctor said probably not. Saturday was also International Talk Like a Pirate Day. When I mentioned this to the doctor, he gave me a long stare, then nodded and said "yarrr".

Fox News Sucks

http://mediamatters.org/research/200909160023

First and foremost, I don't like ACORN. I'm not a "the ends justify the means" kind of guy. (Except for when dealing with zombies... you fucking do what you have to do...). That being said, Fox News just completely sucks balls. I mean, read the comments that Beck made in this news story. "See if the mainstream media will follow this one."

Um, no, they won't. Why not? Because before they pull on 8 "senior analysts" to talk about how this woman pulled-off the most diabolical murder in Cali since the Mansons, they "fact-check". That's when you confirm the things you are saying are true before you start talking out your ass. I'm pretty sure a 1 minute phone call to the town hall could have confirmed that this woman's husband was alive.

HANNITY: Have you ever checked to see if in fact she had a husband that was killed?

GILES: We've -- we're working on that.

HANNITY: You haven't gotten to the details on that.

BREITBART: There's -- well, look, there's so much stuff coming in. We have -- there are more than four cities.

HANNITY: So, she could have been -- she could have just -- in fairness, she could have just been --

BREITBART: She certainly does exist, and, if you look on the Internet, you can see that she's also involved on the other side of ACORN -- ACORN political side.

HANNITY: Right.

This is the kind of news that makes us all dumber. Oh well, at least they did speak some truth. This woman does exist, and there are, in fact, more than four cities.

Bread: Is White = American?

So I'm in the local Subway a couple of days ago waiting for my delicious sweet onion chicken teriyaki when an interesting exchange occurred behind me in line between the polite sandwich-maker and a guy whose greasy pony-tail possibly smells like the inside of shinguard after a long soccer game.

Delicatessen: "What kind of bread would you like?"
Pony-tailed man: "American."
Delicatessen: "Umm... you mean white?"
Pony-tailed man: "Right. American."

Now, I'm not debating this man's intelligence, because I firmly believe he was an idiot. Like lose to Forrest Gump in a spelling bee level on the word "couch" (R.... are you going to the mall later?). And I laughed heartedly afterward. But then I got to thinking, what if the abundant slightly-backwards people of this country (i.e. the South) start calling white bread "american". Are we going to let this happen? I mean France and Italy have bread named after them.

Actually, France also has a toast (which isn't made from French bread... weird...) and fries. So let's look at the overarching question: Should we have a food named after America, and if so, what food is worthy?

Now I know some of you will say "um, duh, Apple Pie is American". And I would agree. But it doesn't have the word "American" in the title. When we landed on the moon first, did we just let everyone else know and then turn around? No, we put a big fucking flag there, as if to say "finders keepers, bitch. This is mine now, I keep it!" Same with food. We need to put a huge stamp on that glorious piece of sustenance.

Let me know what you think is worthy. I will be the judge. Why? I came up with it. Finders keepers, bitch.

RANT: Death By The Ninja

Some bad-ass John Hopkins student killed a burglar with a samurai sword when he and three other people discovered the burglar in the house. The burglar lunged at the student, who cut off most of his hand and cut him deep.

The disturbing part comes next : "Authorities are determining whether the student will face criminal charges".

What the hell? The kid already faced a criminal who charged at him, and now you're going to make him do it again? You're telling me that if someone breaks into my house and lunges at me and I have a ninja weapon in my hand, I should NOT use it and let him spear me like a pro wrestler? So then the burglar can get his hands on my sweet samurai sword? Hell no. A man in Texas shot two burglars who stole from his neighbor's house and then were running away. He dropped them both with a spray of shotgun to the back, and eventually got a god-damn medal. This is a clear-cut case and a lesson to all burglars: if you play with fire, eventually you will be impaled by a collegiate.

On behalf of the somewhat coherent population, Thank you, JH student, for making the world a little bit safer. I would send you a gift, but I think the ridiculous amount of ass you'll be getting from this incident is reward enough.

Pats give me more heart attacks than a McGangBang

(FYI: McGangBang - (n.) (1) a McChicken Sandwich stuffed in the middle of a Double Cheeseburger)

A ridiculous game last night. As Barstool Sports so elegantly put it, even when we try to lose we still win. Did anybody else see the (2) ridiculous roughing the passer calls against the Pats? Come on, I hit small children harder than that. Luckily Tom Brady's 2nd TD throw gave me an 87-86 win in FF. Good thing the Pats won, because if we had lost to TO (who only had 2 catches... jackass...) and the Bills in the opening game I probably would have contracted some form of tuberculosis and the shingles.

RANT: NASA Rocket to Create Clouds Tuesday

Let's get real for a moment: the US space program has been lacking for the last few years. Can anybody name anything important we've done with space in the last 10 years? I didn't think so. I keep feeling like NASA should be working on some cool shit with the money we keep feeding them. Build the space elevator. Create an aurora borealis on command. Blow up the moon so we can have lots of smaller moons like the Lost Boys had in "Hook".

No, NASA's going to create clouds for us. Awesome. Because I never get to see a cloud. "That's why everyone's really excited about it" says Wayne Scales, a Virginia Tech scientist. If this gets you "really excited", you probably haven't been laid since the Challenger Disaster. And if you are this intent on performing this pointless exercise to create a dust cloud, can't you rent a hot air balloon and drop a bag of dirt off the side? Way more cost effective.

Lastly, and most disturbingly, the same scientist says that "Hopefully it's a creation in a controlled sense". Whoa, wait, you hope? Who the fuck put this guy in charge? Listen, if you are going to try to create a cloud, you better know what the fuck you're doing. If this thing gets out of hand and I have to wake up every morning to "mostly cloudy", I am going to be pissed. Katy's not going to be able to tan, so she's going to be pissed. I'm pretty sure all the crops all over the earth are going to fail, so I'm guessing that'll have a small effect on my lifestyle as well.

Overall, NASA gets an F on this project. And unless they discover water on one of Jupiter's moons, an asteroid heading towards Earth that only Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck can deal with, or something else that I can see from my back porch that will look really cool, just shut your mouth and tell me when the next lunar eclipse is going to be.

"About Me" Contest

So Blogger gives me the old "About Me" area that I should fill out. I never know what to write in that area. Facebook asked me the same exact God-damn question. My general response is to stare at my computer for a little while, write up some nonsense, post it, view it 2 hours later, and determine that I'm a retard for writing something that stupid. So pretty much it's a lose-lose situation.

If Michael Scott has taught me anything, it's that I should strive for the 5th option of resolution for any conflict, which is win-win-win. So here's the deal: reply to this post with your best "About Me" for me. I will chose the best, and in return, you will get a shipped package from me. I have no idea what will be in it yet. Might be a dented can of Campbell's Chicken Noodle. Could be Toby the Cat.

I get an awesome "About Me" = win
You get random shit from me = a definite win (who doesn't like getting something in the mail?)
General populace can enjoy entries and rejoice = win

Bring it, Scranton.

Pilot Episode

Have you ever said to yourself "Man, that Josh Walker is one interesting sonofabitch. I wonder what makes him tick"? That's supposed to be a rhetorical question, one that inspires conversation. Or you might simply just answer "no" and get on with your Monday. I'd like to think the former dominates my acquaintances. Plus, with the lull I've got at work, it's a good time to get an epic stream of consciousness going.

First part of the day's agenda was to find a good blogging website. I started off by taking a page from Buzzington McAwesome's blog and heading off to WordPress. WordPress uses these sentences to describe itself:

"WordPress was born out of a desire for an elegant, well-architectured personal publishing system built on PHP and MySQL and licensed under the GPL. It is the official successor of b2/cafelog."

I don't know about you, but I don't know what the fuck half of those words mean. Better still, I have absolutely no interest having it explained to me. So I went to Blogger, which replaces descriptions of "b2/cafelog" with things like "bright colors" and "shiny". mmm, way better.

Not exactly sure what I'll be updating you on, but I'll try to keep it interesting. Check back often.