I Hate New Social Technology

Okay, so sometimes I suck at blogging. At least, keeping up with the blogging Joneses. It's been like 3 weeks or something since I posted anything, so I'll be surprised if anyone reads this. But this all relates back to my current hatred for new social technologies. Twitter and Facebook are my enemies. This is the stupid shit that people are obsessed with that I can't stand, but each for separate reasons.

Twitter: Who gives a shit that you're currently making a ham and cheese sandwich? I don't. And if I hear about another athlete that tweets during halftime I'm going to throw up. What, can't go your busy work-day of being a pro athlete without updating people? Guess what? I know exactly what you're doing right now. How? Because I'm watching you on TV.
Facebook: Stop posting pictures of me when I'm drunk. I don't have the time or inclination to go through and de-tag myself from all these pictures. Here's what I'm going to do to the next person who posts a drunk picture of me. I'm going to find a good embarrassing picture of you, make a ton of copies, and mail them to your family, friends, and coworkers. Oh, and stop sending me stupid fucking hearts and shit. Like, that shit is meaningless. And I supposed to feel a twinge of guilt if I don't poke you back or something? Finally, if we're not communicating on a consistent basis, there's probably 2 reasons: (1) is that I don't care what you're up to, and (2) is that you don't care what I'm up to. So writing me on facebook is not suddenly going to relight our friendship. I call shenanigans on the whole thing.

New rule. Here's the only methods of communication that I will be accepting going forward:

• Email
• Phone Call
• Text Message
• Post to my blog
  
• Come talk to me in person
• Carrier Pigeon

I know this train of thought may seem contradictory to the idea of having a blog, but it's not. I post on this when I want and requires nothing from the end user (you). You don't have to reply or anything. just go about your daily life, livin' the dream.

Punk Kids with their Music and Stickers and Make-Out Parties and Myspace.com

http://www.kfoxtv.com/news/21211677/detail.html

So some 10-year old kid with a "behavioral disorder" got a $260 ticket from police for disrupting his class. He fell asleep, and when he was woken up by the teacher, became all sorts of crazy. You should read the article, the mom's got some gems for quotes.

I wonder what this behavioral disorder is. I mean, it must be rough, falling asleep in class, getting angry when being woke up. Laying down on the ground and refusing to get up. Oh, right, it's called "Jimmy needs to be bitch-slapped" syndrome. Come on. I fell asleep in class before. I am also grumpy as shit when someone tries to make me wake up. Doesn't mean I need to be restrained or will lie down on the floor and refuse to get up in school.

I might be wrong. This kid could have some real behavioral issues. But I feel like half the time the parent shrugs when the kid's got issues and gives him some Ritalin, because it's the easy way out. And when the kid acts out, it's a big "I can't discipline him, it's not his fault". You get your ass back into parenthood mode and break out a leather belt.

"She said her son was going to have to enter a plea, but she said he would not understand what a plea is."

See? He "would not" understand. It's not that he couldn't figure it out, he just didn't feel like it. Hey Champ, you better figure out that the proper response is "not guilty". I got a feeling you'll be using it a lot in the future.

RANT: Sometimes My Alma Mater Sucks Ass

Oh, you haven't heard? Try this on for size: http://bostonherald.com/news/regional/view.bg?&articleid=1200750&format=&page=1&listingType=Loc#articleFull

Or possibly this: http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/09/30/tufts.sex.roommate/index.html

First and foremost, I understand the golden rule of not bashing the collegiate at which you are an alumnus. I get it. It's in that category of flirting with nuns. You just don't do it (that's God's wife... get your own). But for this offense, the forbidden fruit must be tasted (to quote Mugatu).

A proclamation down from the Glorious Mountain that is Tufts University Residential Life: "You may not engage in sexual activity while your roommate is present in the room. And sexual activity within your assigned room should not ever deprive your roommate(s) of privacy, study, or sleep time."

Wow. Tufts just dropped to the bottom of the list for EVERY high school senior. They're sitting there thinking "man, I could apply to Tufts, or I could go get laid at another school". What the fuck do you think Jimmy is going to go with? I'll give you a hint: no 18-year-old in the history of human civilization has ever turned down poontang. Not once. Ever.

Many of you have been in a Tufts dormroom. Look at this picture off of CNN:



Look at this shit. It's like Auschwitz. Seriously, did some freaky-ass experiment go down in here? The answer is no. You know why? Because freaky-ass experiments in dorm rooms are apparently outlawed on the Hill. In short, compared to your current living standards, your roommate's sexual activity is more like adding insult to injury.

Secondly, this rule is so one-dimensional. It does not take into account orgies in which both roommates take part. Or S&M where the roommate wants to be "deprived of privacy, study or sleep time". Maybe your roommate will learn a thing or two. And that's networking. That's people helping people. Come on Res Life, get on the ball.

This is what you get when you group a bunch of whining rich kids with normal people. Instead of facing a life problem head-on and talking with their roommate, they take the retardedly long-way around that involves the least amount of confrontation and the most amount of paperwork. Guess what? Daddy isn't always going to be there to make it alright. Sometimes you gotta wipe the sand out of your own vagina and deal.

And how do you plan on enforcing this thing? I can see it now: "Um, dude, not to be a douche, but by violating that drunk chick whilst I'm here, you are also are violating clause 87.23.09 of the Pachyderm". It is the ultimate cock-block. All this is going to do is force sex out into public areas. Missionary on the quad. Doggy on the cannon. A hot Karl on Jumbo. The list goes on.

This is what you get from the group who fucked me EVERY YEAR with the room lottery.

This is why you don't try to have kids

Bryce Crapser One-Ups All My Friends and Family

Now this is fucking dedication. Crapstar knows if you're going in, you don't wade in the shallow end, you pull a triple sow-cow layout off the diving board.

Who is Josh Walker?

Josh = Poseidon, God of the Sea

I had to recreate a sweet trident for work. This is me, today, calling out a mortal on the battlefield.

RANT: The Economy

I know what some of you may be thinking: that I'm going a little big for my britches on this one. It's one thing to rant about NASA building fake clouds or mental patients at county fairs. It's another to take on the US economy. And furthermore, this blog started last week, and frankly this might be premature, like that kid on Glee who has to think about a horrific car crash every time he gets intimate.

Please, son. Do you think I popped my rant cherry last week? This isn't my first rodeo. Long before Peter Griffin had his "grind my gears" segment, I was listing the things that rankled my cockles and rattled my cage, such as putting a wet bathing suit back on after you take a shit or waking up hungover and drinking that glass of water next to your bed only to realize it's vodka. I made a website listing such complaints (which I will find and post). And then I found $10. Good story.

But to fully woo a rant this classy, it has to be handled delicately. Which is to say you take the bull by the horns. The way I see it, this rant breaks down into a few key areas:

• The Sub-Prime Mortgage / Retard Crisis: Okay, I'm fairly sure that the phrase "sub-prime" doesn't make any sense, except possibly in reference to a sandwich that everyone can agree on. My vote would be Turkey. Anywho, I think that we could come up with a much better name, such as "I dicked over everyone else" mortgage, or "I'll pay for it later" mortgage. I appreciate our government saying that banks wrote mortgages they never should whilst glossing over the fact that the people who got them are retarded. But come on. They're retarded. Check the facts. If you think you can afford a $500K house making $35K a year, you're pretty much retarded. Whoa, wait, I'm going to have to pay, like, 5 times the amount I'm paying now in a couple of years for my mortgage? It's all good, I'm totally going to get that sweet promotion at Dunks. Plus my business plan to be gynecologist who works only on hot college chicks should be in full swing by then. And you laugh (or maybe you don't), but there had to be MILLIONS of people who thought this way for it to become an issue. Face it. They're retarded.
• Skyrocketing Unemployment: This one is the real kick in the dick. And not like friendly "ouch that kinda hurt but the kick was slow so I'm not going have that rush of nausea" dick pain. I'm talking "A baseball just hit me in the crotch, it's approx. 36 degrees outside, and I'm afraid to look down there lest things be where they shouldn't" pain. Because now that there are a gajillion applicants for every job, interviewers can ask whatever the fuck they please. Alex had someone ask him what he'd do as king for the day. That was the first question. Right out of the gate. King of what? What the fuck kinda stupid question is that? I might have left the interview on that note. But then I would remember that there are 50 people lined up outside who will say they would give the power back to the people or some dumb shit like that. And it ain't much easier for the people who do have jobs, because now your boss can tell you to work 55 hours a week with no bathroom breaks and take a 25% cut in pay, and you can't say shit.
  
• Fat Cats on Wall Street: When did America become such pussies that we can't punish these people? Because you know there's a guy somewhere out there that completely made bank on the fact that he sells turkey-sandwich mortgages to retards and then asks interviewees what they would do as Pope for an hour. You know he carries an $800 suitcase that's probably filled with Ritz crackers like Cramer has when he works corporate. He's the guy that tries to give you a high five after leaving the bathroom and you know for a fact he had a really dirty number 2 and didn't wash his hands. And when the jig is up and his reign at Bank of Douchebaggery comes to an end, they give him a nice severance package for his trouble, and he looks to the sky and says "Why me, God? Why me?". What a jackass.
  

Best Plan Ever: Don't Catch Criminals

Probably the Greatest Soccer Goal Ever

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/3084/amazing_streaker_scores/

Definitely contains nudity. I know, soccer = nudity? Makes no sense. Don't worry, she's hot.

The game doesn't stop. At all. In fact, someone passes her the ball. And the goalie tries to make the save. But you can't stop the fucking one-timer to the lower 90. And this chick's got a hell of a cannon. And a rack. Don't forget the rack.

The Smartest Man Alive

Protesting = Comedic Gold!

I find protesters to be pretty humorous, largely because I'm fairly sure none of them have any idea what they are protesting. Once and a while, though, I think "hey, maybe they are just intelligent passionate individuals". Then I read these signs, and think that most of them just smoked some crack (kinda like the writers of Spiderman 3 when Peter Parker turns mean... it's the stupidest montage I've ever seen). See below:

AH! Asian Youths! I knew they were planning something! All that math they're so good at, it's actually to try and kill off my source of $10 in every Christmas card, thereby crippling the US economy and the prune juice industry. If you think you're getting Grandma Barb Walker, I will rain down the heat.

Oh, wait, you meant "Euthanasia", not "Youth in Asia"? Fuck it, I still don't trust them. BTW, who cut these people's hair?



I agree with this protester, 100%. How dare you think you're going to get an option on your pubes?! This is America! This is the land of Apple Pie, Baseball, and shaved crotches. I'm fairly certain pubes are discussed in the constitution. Either way, you know who's going to make the difference in this rally? The chick on the lower right, who looks like she's trying to get a slow clap going...


Dude, nothing like a slightly overweight gay man in a pink shirt altering this one with a big goofy smile on his face. I'm still trying to figure out what the sign originally said. Homo sex is .... sexy?